Your worth and your purpose are way more important than staying in an unhealthy relationship. You deserve to the life of your dream.
What is a toxic relationship?
A few experts stated that a relationship is inflicted by toxicity when two people both intentionally or unintentionally don’t support each other, intrigue a competition between two of them, cause disrespect to one another, and also, when there’s a lack of cohesiveness.
Another statement from a relationship therapist, Jor-El Caraballo, said that a toxic relationship is when you consistently feel drained or unhappy after spending time with a person. Sometimes it might seem like everything is ok from the outside, but you know there is something wrong that you can't articulate with your own words what really is happening. Thus, it could be signs that things need to be ‘reevaluated’.
Here are 8 signs that a relationship might be toxic:
1. YOU ARE CONSTANTLY QUESTIONING YOUR TRUST
A healthy relationship is when you can rely on an be vulnerable with someone. When the relationship is healthy, there’s a security that your vulnerability will not be taken advantage of. But when you start questioning whether or not to trust this person according to their behaviours that hurt you, even if it is just a gut feeling, you start feeling uncomfortable around this person. What happens here is that you will consistently feel drained whenever you communicate with this person. If you feel like you can not be yourself to this person, this might be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
2. THEY ARE ALWAYS THE 'GOOD PERSON' IN THEIR STORIES
Pay attention on how they tell you stories about their past or current relationship. If the stories seem too similar, which in most cases, that they are the good person in every situation and it is never someone else's fault, this is a sign of a red flag. This means that they know what they are doing to you and they are trying to convince you that they are a good non-toxic person. When you are convinced that they are a good person, you will stop questioning your trust, and this is exactly what they want from you.
3. THEY CONTROL AND THREATEN YOU
One controlling behaviour to look out for is threatening that you will lose something without this person's presence in your life. It can be financial stability, a friendship or a simple companionship.
Signs of controlling behaviour include:
- Threatening you in a regular basis
- Telling you what's right without questioning your point of view
- Attempting to manage/control your personal finance
- Trying to know everything you do and who you are with
- Distracting you when you need to be working on something important
- Bypassing your privacy by forcing access to your social media, email accounts, even phones without your concern
4. YOU ALWAYS NEED TO BE THE GIVER
It is very nice that you always make your friend/partner happy. But when it causes you to ignore what you need or doing something makes you happy, it is a sign that you are in a toxic relationship. According to Jeni Woodfin from J Woodfin, a Counseling Expert in San Jose California, indications of a one-sided relationship are including:
- Being the first one who initiates, all the time
- You always need to be the one who admits that you are wrong (it is never their fault)
- Significantly having an unequal division of responsibility or contribution to the relationship
5. YOU HAVE TO ALWAYS MAKE EXCUSES TO DEFEND THEIR BEHAVIOURS
A frequent condition where you always have to excuse someone's behaviours in order to defend them can also be a sign of toxic relationship. When your loved ones (family and close friends) start to give you a hint of how toxic the relationship could be, you find yourself falling back on the mentality of “I know him/her better than you do” over and over again. If this happens for quiet sometime already, it is time for you to reevaluate your relationship.
6. YOU GET USED TO THEIR LIES
First of all, lies – no matter how small it is – is a behaviour that grows over time. When your partner lies to you, it’s a sign that they don’t respect you as a partner or friend who deserves honesty. When you feel okay to know that your partner or friend actually lies to you, then she/he will make this thing become a frequent habit. They become aware that "you are ok with that”. Thus, it is a true indication that you are very close to the toxic relationship.
7. THEY BEHAVE MORE AND MORE AGGRESSIVE TO YOU
Based on a statement of a sex and relationship therapist, Kamil Lewis, obvious forms of antagonistic communications include:
- Throwing and breaking things
- Name-calling or other hurtful phrases
- Using your body for physical intimidation or force
Meanwhile, the subtler signs of antagonistic communication include:
- Using 'you-statements' or blaming statements
- Constantly interrupting you from doing what is important to you
A healthy relationships is meant to rely on open communication, cooling down before things get too heated, and respect.
8. EVENTUALLY YOU FEEL DRAINED
Try shifting some of your energy to take care of and prioritise yourself and see how this person responds. If their response is negative, that shows an absolute toxicity in the relationship.
If you find yourself neglecting your needs and spend all your energy on this other person, it is helpful to examine how your connections outside of the relationship and with yourself have been affected to know whether or not a relationship is toxic.
How to readjust and overcome this toxic relationship?
We conclude some recommendations in order to help you to get out of the toxic relationship:
1. Communicate How You Feel
A foundation of healthy relationship is a healthy communication. When you communicate how you feel to this person, a healthy relationship will give you sense of comfort and safety. If it is not happening, it is time to rethink the relatinship.
2. Give Yourself Some Time
If you have been trying to make a good conversation towards healthier relationship with your partner but you haven’t yet found any good intention from your partner to repair the relationship, then you should give yourself a time to heal with the situation. Do things that you enjoy. Not only to distract you from the toxicity itself, by enjoying your favourite spare time activity, it helps you to alleviate loneliness and depression.
3. Talk to The People That You Trust
Firstly, find support from friends and family member to get youR back when you decide to terminate a relationship with your partner or a close friend. We know you already took maximum effort to save it, but when you think the toxicity in your relationship is too much, you have a right to draw from it. Therefore, speak up to your closest persons who understands your decision and ask them to support you as much as they can.
If needed, talk to a therapist until you are fully healed. The healing process from the toxicity needs time, but when you have maximum support, you somehow will find your way back to yourself, and more importantly feel safe and protected.
Your worth and your purpose are way more important than staying in an unhealthy relationship. You deserve to the life of your dream. When one relationship didn’t work, you have the right to walk away and move on with life.